Steam Gets New Early Access Guidelines

According to this pastebin page which was put up by a steamworks developer Steam is setting some new rules aimed at their Early Access program.

Now, all we need is an armband printer...

I am going to say this straight. This is a step in the right direction. Early Access is an abomination in it's current state. Personally, Early Access has screwed me over time and time again. In fact the only time I have been pleased with it (not just "alright with") was when I bought Rust. Also, I can regretfully inform you that Starforge which I told you all was a good investment for $5 is complete shit and Project Zomboid has still gone nowhere.

Hopefully these new rules clean up some of the shit that's been spreading all over Steam these days.

Let's take a look at some notable quotes, shall we?

"Don’t launch in Early Access if you can’t afford to develop with very few or no sales."

This should be carved on a digital brass plaque upon entering their site.

"Make sure you set expectations properly everywhere you talk about your game."

 (Starforge) (cough)

"Don't launch in Early Access without a playable game."

 Define "playable"... I mean DayZ is the top Early Access seller and it's STILL not playable.

"Don't launch in Early Access if you are done with development."

 Call me crazy but if I was applying for the Steam store I'd like to have people think my game is complete.

"Do not make specific promises about future events."

Would promising to never finish the game count? I mean Starforge at v1.0 was almost a non-event!

And there you have it! Everyone hear that? OBEY THE COMMANDMENTS OF GABEN!

Also, fuck you Project Zomboid.

Blogger freed by Iran

A blogger was recently given a pardon by the Ayatollah in Iran.

While I do enjoy laughing at various bloggers that seem to find themselves in ridiculous and unpredictable circumstances this is actually a breath of fresh air. While it's not my job to question the motives of Iran I can safely say that this is very good news indeed.

SANTA!

If anything this just goes to show us that we can't trust our own governments anymore. We endlessly keep thousands of non-violent convicts in prison for indefinite periods of time. There are at any one time 2.4 million convicts in the United States. That's over 1% of the total population. Based on my knowledge of taking law 40S Canada isn't much better. Even the courts are awful as hell.

Notice the Red.

I don't have a shadow of a doubt that if this guy was imprisoned in the states like this he would be left to rot. Don't believe me? Mark Taylor is still imprisoned for bogus charges, and he actually didn't do a damn thing other than attempt to sue big pharma. I'm not saying that stuff like that doesn't happen over there but we should not see it here, especially when we perceive that the court system is always right.

So, good things do come to those who wait I guess. Whatever the case I'm glad to see our friend free from imprisonment. Merry Christmas everyone! I guess Santa really does go global.

Rammstein Herzeleid Album Review

It's been a few months (last time I reviewed was KMFDM's Angst after my old school decided to ruin my life last spring) since I've done an album review, far to long for my taste. To this end I've decided to review one of my favorite albums of all time. I present to you Rammstein's very first and heaviest album, Herzeleid.

No, I'm not using the other cover.

Track List:

01 - Wollt Ihr Das Bett In Flammen: The riff at the start of the track adds a pretty catchy beat to the rest of the song and the lyrics, while uninspired sound really angry in a good way. This is a great way to start off the rest of the album.

02 - Der Meister: One of my personal favourite Rammstein songs lyrically and otherwise. The car accident sample sounds they added in don't really interfere much with the rhythm of the track and the church organ is a fantastic touch.

03 - Weisses Fleisch: Lyrics are pretty much Rammstein in a nutshell. The tune is catchy but wears off after a while.

04 - Asche Zu Asche: This is some of the best old Rammstein you can find. It's got basic but powerful lyrics and some near power chords.

05 - Seemann: Every candy apple album so to speak has one of these. A BAD SONG! Now, some fans call this one of their favourite songs. I call this guitar feedback and singing. No, singing like a pop star just doesn't fit here. NOT MY RAMMSTEIN!

06 - Du Riechst So Gut: This fan favourite is decent but gets boring after a few repeats. Listen and move on.

07 - Das Alte Leid: Even though this isn't Rammstein at their strongest (I would dare say generic) I really do adore this song. The riffs are great and the lyrics are some of their best. The crying sample at the end is especially soul rending.

08 - Heirate Mich: A pretty great song with (If you ask me) some weak lyrics. Same level as Du Reichst.

09 - Herzeleid: Even if it sounds different it's pretty good as far as industrial music goes.

10 - Laichzeit: An average song. The gong (or whatever the hell it is) is pretty awesome though.

11- Rammstein: A lot of people don't like this song. I like it though. It's a good way to wrap up the album.

Herzeleid is a great album is you're into the heaviest of industrial metal. It is lyrically beautiful and I wish Rammstein would go back to their old days of Mutter and Herzeleid.

Rampage Movie Review

 

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, just as how Uwe Boll can somehow make a good movie if he tries really, really hard for around 20ish years. Well, that day has come. To you, my good people I present to you Rampage.

 

Basement tapes anyone?

Rampage is (as Wikipedia lists it) a mass-murder thriller. They were sure right about that. From about twenty minutes in to about ten minutes from the end the film is one huge buffet of shooting, stabbing, bombing, and everything else under the sun that concerns killing random people. A solid 30-45 minutes of it is just our friend Bill Williamson running through sidewalks gunning people down. That's not to say how any of it is boring though. Rampage ends exactly when it needs to. Any more time would be considered excessive but Rampage seems to keep even the most basic, crude plot together and wrap it in a nicely presented package.

 

 This suit is pretty much how I felt walking into my first class of grade 12.

The effects are pretty good and the acting is great too. Nothing too shabby considering what Boll had to work with. The suit of armor is really nicely designed and adds a nice touch to the film. The pure ruthlessness of Bill Williamson adds a touch of sobriety to the underlying aesthetic.

TL:DR version: Great movie unless you take offense to seeing random people being gunned down for no reason. If you're one of those people who plays GTA4 and immediately starts shooting everything in sight, then this is pretty much a movie version of that with a hint of Robocop/Iron Man thrown in.

Dear Esther Review

Next on my list of shitty walking simulators is a game so terrible it almost made me hurl. I'm not lying when I say the only thing Dear Esther was good for was taking up 1.4 GB of my bandwith.

 Look! It's AZN! We have kulture!

So, the premise is that you're a guy walking on an island and... that's literally it. Don't even bother reading Wikipedia for answers, it's more fun if you make up your own. For example, the reason you morph into a bird in DE is because you are one of those morphing children from that dumb as shit children's book about morphing children, you know, that one.

See? I can write the plot for a walking simulator too! It can't really be that hard. I just need a boring as hell setting where no combat could ever take place (games are art, go back to Battlefront 2 you plebeian commoner), and throw in some ambient sound like waves or rain. I mean Gone Home did it, why can't all the others?

It is indeed a sad day in game design when the best you can say about a title is that "the only thing these people did right is not sprinkle their game with ideological propaganda like their peers."

4 locations in all their $10 budget glory.

Why do I hate this game so? Fine, after all you asked for it. 

Imagine walking in a (poorly optimized) source engine (which is 10 years old right now) game hearing nothing except the blathering of a pompous piece of work with a British accent so disgusting it makes Cockney look preferable blathering at you about events, people and places that you have no clue about. Even at the end I had no clue in hell about what this game was about or what was going on. Yet again Wikipedia saves the day.

To be honest I have to apologize about the length of this review. It's not like Dear Esther has anything to offer. The whole ordeal is hard to describe because of the relative lack of "meat on the bones" so to speak.

To conclude there was nothing to even talk about in this game. This review has mostly been fluff because the game itself is non existent. I could do better with a week in UDK and Google Sketchup. I have high hopes for The Stanley Parable. Please don't let me down oh great gods of walking endlessly.

Gone Home Review

Disclaimer #1: SPOILERSPOILERSPOILERS

Disclaimer #2: I have a habit of posting rash, ill thought out posts before deleting them a month later. This isn't one of them. This review is 100% truthful.

Oh, Gone Home. Where do I begin? Where oh where? I know. DON'T BUY THIS SHIT. PLEASE.

This might go down as the worst walking simulator ever. Ever. Usually walking simulators have something to offer once you get to the actual destination. Gone Home doesn't have that. You walk for about an hour and it ends. Great game guys!

C'mon, JFK is so mainstream. THE PEOPLE DEMAND CHO!

So, the whole selling point of this hipster shit? It comes in the form of a twist that happens about 15 minutes through the "game". Actually, let me put it this way. This is the whole story:

The main character is a 15 year old lesbian that wants to run away from home with some dumbass biker chick because her parents think she's subhuman because of their stern Lutheran values.

What. The. Fuck.

Keep in mind that this was what Wikipedia said. I could only understand bits and pieces of the story because three quarters of it was in illegible handwriting on pointless insurance forms or the like. I actually thought she wanted to fuck her sister throughout the game and you (as her sister) discover all this twisted shit while rummaging through her assorted notebooks and assorted numbered kill-lists. That would have been so much better than what we got.

The Male Gaze... 7 Kaabas out of 10.

Atmosphere is okay for a house that's both deserted and decrepit. The scariest part of my experience was when my grandfather started yelling through our answering machine behind me and I almost got a teenage heart attack.

While wasting my hour of life trudging through this crap I kept hoping for two things. There actually be some sort of resemble-able soundtrack and for the story to pick up. Neither came true. I was desperately wanting for a corpse or something to show up. ANYTHING. Maybe they were killed by the retarded uncle they locked up in the attic? Maybe a tribe of feral Juggalos tunneled in to their basement and offered the family up as tribute for their ascension to the Dark Carnival.

C'MON! GOOOO RETARDED UNCLE!

This game offers nothing of interest at all. Nothing. I can't think of one thing I gained from playing this. Only sorrow from wasted time. Happy fucking Halloween everyone. I'm glad I've scared you all by reminding you how popular walking simulators are.

If there's anything 2014 has taught all of us it's that if you put dye in your hair,

YOU ARE AN AWFUL PERSON.