Disclaimer #2: I have a habit of posting rash, ill thought out posts before deleting them a month later. This isn't one of them. This review is 100% truthful.
Oh, Gone Home. Where do I begin? Where oh where? I know. DON'T BUY THIS SHIT. PLEASE.
This might go down as the worst walking simulator ever. Ever. Usually walking simulators have something to offer once you get to the actual destination. Gone Home doesn't have that. You walk for about an hour and it ends. Great game guys!
C'mon, JFK is so mainstream. THE PEOPLE DEMAND CHO!
So, the whole selling point of this hipster shit? It comes in the form of a twist that happens about 15 minutes through the "game". Actually, let me put it this way. This is the whole story:
The main character is a 15 year old lesbian that wants to run away from home with some dumbass biker chick because her parents think she's subhuman because of their stern Lutheran values.
What. The. Fuck.
Keep in mind that this was what Wikipedia said. I could only understand bits and pieces of the story because three quarters of it was in illegible handwriting on pointless insurance forms or the like. I actually thought she wanted to fuck her sister throughout the game and you (as her sister) discover all this twisted shit while rummaging through her assorted notebooks and assorted numbered kill-lists. That would have been so much better than what we got.
The Male Gaze... 7 Kaabas out of 10.
While wasting my hour of life trudging through this crap I kept hoping for two things. There actually be some sort of resemble-able soundtrack and for the story to pick up. Neither came true. I was desperately wanting for a corpse or something to show up. ANYTHING. Maybe they were killed by the retarded uncle they locked up in the attic? Maybe a tribe of feral Juggalos tunneled in to their basement and offered the family up as tribute for their ascension to the Dark Carnival.
C'MON! GOOOO RETARDED UNCLE!
This game offers nothing of interest at all. Nothing. I can't think of one thing I gained from playing this. Only sorrow from wasted time. Happy fucking Halloween everyone. I'm glad I've scared you all by reminding you how popular walking simulators are.
If there's anything 2014 has taught all of us it's that if you put dye in your hair,
YOU ARE AN AWFUL PERSON.
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